Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
