Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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