I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
