meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
