i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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