pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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