How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
