didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
