If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
