I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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