There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
