I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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