I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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