dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he thought i was a dude.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
