An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
