This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
