I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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