we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
