she kept yelling 'call me bella'
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We left an ass print on the piano.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
