Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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