The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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