Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
