Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
