Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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