Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
