Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
