look no pants
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
