So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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