I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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