Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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