im having a threesome with these popsicles
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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