I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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