nut hugger
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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