I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
