If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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