I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
