Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Did I show you my penis last night?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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