chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Vodka?
Forever.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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