you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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