i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
