I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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