I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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