There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
