thus making me awesome and them whores
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize