He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't deserve a penis
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
