She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
