Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
