Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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