his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
