you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
