I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
