I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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