our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
