If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
