things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize