you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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