you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
