SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
