Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
