She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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