I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
