i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
