May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
