and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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