Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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