pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
