Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
