Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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