I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
