Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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