Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
